Grief during the Holidays

Posted on December 17, 2015

“Happy Holidays!”

“Merry Christmas!”

“Happy New Year!”

I had never realized how many holidays had the words “happy” or “merry” attached to the day or the season prior to taking my current job as a bereavement counselor at Hospice of Guernsey. I soon became aware that these words frequently have a hollow ring for the bereaved during the holidays, or any events such as birthdays, anniversaries, Mother’s and Father’s Day that were typically thought of as being “happy.”

While being confronted with the “happys” and “merry’s” could present a challenge at any time, it will likely become much more pronounced during the holidays when families traditionally gather together — Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s.

Happy memories are often dulled by the pain and sorrow of experiencing the holidays without a loved one who has died.

It seems everywhere you turn there is something to break your heart a little more. Stores are decorated with the symbols of the holiday. The Hallmark Channel reminds us of stories of togetherness, love and sharing. Everyone is beginning to ask the dreaded question, “What are you doing for the holidays?” They can’t seem to wait for that special day to arrive. You can’t wait for it to be over.

So, a commonly asked question by grieving people at this time of year is, “How can I get through the holidays?”

Even with all of the emotions swirling around you, the holiday season does not have to be entirely sad. There are ways to help you cope with your grief during this time. I’ll touch on a few:

PLAN AHEAD: Be aware that this might be a difficult time for you. You may feel out of sorts with the celebratory tone of the season. The additional stress may affect you emotionally, cognitively and physically; this is a NORMAL reaction But it is important to be prepared for these feelings.

LOWER EXPECTATIONS (Recognize that the holidays will not be the same): If you try to keep everything as it was, you’ll be disappointed. Doing things a bit differently can acknowledge the change while preserving continuity with the past.

COMMUNICATE WITH FAMILY MEMBERS: The holiday may affect other family members. Talk over your plans. Respect their choices and needs, and compromise if necessary.

AVOID ADDITIONAL STRESS (accept your limitations): Decide what you really want to do, and what can be avoided. Do the right thing — not what others think is right, but what you need and want to do.

It’s OK to feel SAD.

It’s OK to feel GOOD. Give yourself permission to laugh and even have fun. Some individuals feel guilty if they find themselves enjoying an activity. Laughing is your body’s way of letting you relax and regain some strength for a few moments during your grief.

CRY, CRY, CRY: Allow yourself to cry when you feel the need. It helps you both physically and emotionally. It has an effect similar to exercise in that it reduces stress and calms anxiety.

CONFIDE IN SOMEONE: Find someone to listen who does not feel he must fix the problem. They need to be able to listen over and over to the words that are bottled up inside. (A friend, pastor, counselor.)

TRADITIONS: Keep the old OR start something new.

MEMORIALIZE your loved one: Make it meaningful to you.You may choose to light a candle, hang a special ornament, or buy and donate a gift in memory of your loved one.

Although these special tributes may cause tears, they are usually helpful and therapeutic in helping you through the holidays. Have the family all participate in choosing what to do. Review your lists together, and come to agreement. Help one another with what they need to do to accomplish their gift to their loved one.

The BOTTON LINE is –Make it comfortable for you!

If you are grieving this holiday season, we at Hospice of Guernsey want to extend an invitation to you, offering support in the weeks and months ahead.

For more information on Handling the Holidays: There will be a group meeting on the topic on Tuesday, Nov. 24 at5:30 p.m. at the Hospice office, 9711 East Pike Road, Cambridge.

For more information on bereavement support, contact me at 740-432-7440.

Blessings to you and yours this Holiday Season!

Terri Wootton LISW, ACHP-SW is bereavement coordinator for Hospice of Guernsey.